Happy Birthday Angel

Dear Angel, I'm writing this on your first birthday. As I mentioned on an earlier blog post, that perhaps one day you'll read along with this, I have only seen you three times since you were born, the last time being April of 2006. I was invited second-hand (your Grandma Martha told Irma to tell me) to celebrate your birthday at Chuck E Cheese. However, I felt rather un-compelled to go eat food that makes me sick for the privilege of seeing you. (There's nothing wrong with Chuck E Cheese, of course. I used to love going with your Grandma Martha and your mom and your aunt and uncle when everyone was younger. I just can't eat or drink milk products.) It is very clear to me that your mom and dad don't really care to have our family get to know you, and I really felt deep down that it was hypocritical of them to basically say "you can drop by our private celebration if you buy something." It wasn't really a birthday party... in fact, I was told that each person/couple could get their own table and do their own thing basically. I could not bring myself to attend. I'm sorry. I had to do what felt right to me. I feel okay about not getting you something for your birthday because I spent two weeks cross stitching for you before Christmas. Hopefully your mom and dad have the footprints that I stitched for you somewhere in your room... well, I don't even know exactly where you're living now, things are complicated right now. Maybe I'll stitch you something else down the line. I'm still sad... I don't feel guilty... although I feel twinges of it, like there's a part of me that thinks that I should feel guilty for our non-relationship. But it's not my fault. Believe me when I say that I would do whatever was in my power if I thought I could change the situation. Believe me when I say that I've shed almost as many tears for you as for your sister Lexie in this past year. I love you. -Patti